A Post

I've sat down to write this post so many times over the last couple of months and every time I just backspace it away and walk away, unsure what to say or how to say it.

 

I still don't think I'm ready to go into details but let me just say that we're going through something so hard and painful that it hurts to the core in ways that I never thought something could hurt.  

 

I've walked through hell before and it seems like a walk in the park complete with balloons and unicorns compared to the journey we are on right now.  

 

But as with all things in life, this particular walk through the darkness has its moments where the beauty is so profound and the love is so intense that it is enough to keep me moving forward.  

 

It is the times where I can't go on and something small in my soul cries out help and they are there.  Those rare, few people who have seemingly crawled out of the wordwork of my past are there and they hold me up and help me to face another moment.  

 

Those who I never in a million years thought I would know.  Who I would come to love as though they are my family.  They are my family now.  

 

Those I can call or message and say I need a hug.  I can check my phone and find simply a O.  Yes, the hug part of a XO kiss and hug, making me laugh and cry at the same time.  Those who show up late at night to make me nachos and tell me that somehow its going to be okay.  Those who will hold me and just let me cry, not attempting to diminish my pain or try to explain it away.  They just let me feel it and let me move through it.  Those who have been understanding when I dump my responsibilities on them saying i can't and they understand.  

 

This love and support has come from the most unexpected places.  And one place I knew.  From someone who I never had much in common with except one funny thing to someone who seems to know my soul and is able to see into my very being and everyone in between.  

 

I know some of you are reading.  There are no words to tell you how much I love you guys.  

 

I know some of you will never see this.  I love you guys just as much and I hope one day I can express to you what you mean to me.  

 

Thank you for loving me and my girls and for holding me up when I don't have the stregnth or the courage to do it.  For making me put one cliched foot in front of the other.  For always being there, even when I don't think you are, I now know you are.  

 

I am physically and emotionally exhausted beyond what I ever thought was possible and yet because of you I am able to keep going.  

 

So simply....

 

thank you

Comments

[L]

Even though we haven't chatted in years, I still check your blog occassionally to watch your girls grow (via news and photos).

My heart hurts for your misery and I wish you well.

L